Monday, October 15, 2012

Honey Boo Boo Pot

We all have people in our lives that annoy the hell out of us. For me it’s certain “celebrities” in the news. Although I don’t believe the people I’m talking about deserve to be called celebrities in any way. Yet, there they are on our TV’s and computers doing something stupider today than they did yesterday and the media has decided to spend countless hours insisting that the rest of us need to know every detail. I find the attention they receive repulsive.

A few weeks ago I made an off handed comment that every time I heard anything about Honey Boo Boo I’d put $1 into my kid’s college fund. I didn't think much about again until one day last week when I realized I’d heard her name three times before I had even had my lunch.

Later that day I had the radio on while I was folding the laundry and guess who was mentioned?

Before I drove to pick my kids up from school I sat down at my computer and guess who had wormed her way into both my Facebook and Twitter feeds?

By the end of the day I heard it four more times. That made it seven times in one day. Yes, seven times. I couldn't believe it.

So when I woke up the next morning I was alert and waiting to see if the day before had just been a fluke. Within moments of pouring my coffee there she was on the radio. Of course she was. I was listening to the news, and as we've all learned by now she is “news”. By days end she had managed to creep into my life three more times. 

At this point I thought I might be on to something: I mean, eleven mentions in two days? Crazy right?

Now, I should admit that on my third day I had sort of forgotten about my little experiment. The daily craziness of our lives took over and I hadn't had any time to catch up with world events until later in the day. No need to worry though. I finally had a chance to sit down and clicked over to CNN and there she was. It was like she was waiting for me. I tiny picture of a blonde little girl pointing her index finger up towards the sky as if she was tisking me for being late.

As I made my way around the web that afternoon I would run into Miss. Boo Boo four more times that day.

And that’s when I knew. Honey Boo Boo was going to help my kids pay for their college educations. Oh yes she was. Something good had to come out of this madness.

In three days I had added $16 to my boys college fund. This is by far the best savings plan I have ever come across! 

Suddenly the possibilities became endless. I mean think about it. I happen to have chosen Honey Boo Boo, but the number of “celebrities” around you is staggering. Just pick one and see what happens.

Lindsey Lohan - can pay for your kids’ books for all of freshman year.

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson - can help pay for a new smart phone and a year of phone service.

Bristol Palin - can pay for a whole new Fall wardrobe for your stylish kid.

Heck, go crazy and pick a Kardashian. That should cover a Bachelors and a Masters Degree!

 **Please keep in mind I didn’t go looking for Honey Boo Boo. I don’t go to any tabloid website or watch tabloid tv. She’s just happens to be everywhere. Give it try and see for yourself. Your kids will be glad you did!

Friday, May 4, 2012

It's really muuuushy!

Have you ever had something happen to you in public and you think to yourself – I bet the people witnessing this will tell their family about this at the dinner table tonight?
Here is one such tale.

When my boys where about 6 and 8 years old I had to bring them with me to my dermatologist appointment. Yes, I know, you’d think that after being a parent for this long I would know better. In my defense my doctor had mentioned that I’d be done in a matter of minutes. Apparently I was delusional about my children’s ability to sit quietly with a book. More importantly I had forgotten that my children need merely seconds to mortify me.

*WARNING TO THE SWEAMISH* There is mention of a scalpel

The boys sat in the exam room with me while I waited for the doctor. I was just there to have some skin tags removed from my back. I didn’t even need to change into a gown. After a quick hello to the nurse and doctor (whose skin is perfection) the doctor simply lifted up the back out my shirt and asked me to round my back. Just as she picked up the scalpel and started to remove the first skin tag both of my boys jumped out of their chairs and started grabbing and poking at my belly exclaiming “Why is it all mushy”, “Has it always been this way” ? “No mom really, it’s muuuushy”! There was no stopping them.
Without missing a beat my doctor replied “I’m pretty sure the two of you have something to do with it”.

As I walked out of the office I thought to myself – At least the nurse will have a funny story from work to share at the dinner table tonight.  

Monday, December 19, 2011

Unsentimental Mamma

I am not sentimental. At all. I never have been. You can ask my poor husband. I typically don't remember our wedding anniversary until a few days before hand, and never have a gift for him. When I do finally remember, the conversation goes something like this.

Me- “Crap, it’s our anniversary this week”!
DH- “Yes it is. (insert number) of years”!
Me- In a panicky tone “You didn’t get me anything, did you”?

Don’t feel too bad for him. He secretly loves me for it.

I also suck at birthday gifts and cards. But I think my lameness truly shines at Christmas. No I do not keep any kind of lists. I will not remember what it was in the catalog that you pointed out. And I will never walk through a store see something and think of you. It's not personal, it just is.

You see I come from a huge immigrant family. There is a certain mentality you need to have as an immigrant in order to survive in your much loved newly adopted country. That is practicality. My parents are nothing if not practical.

I remember being asked what I wanted for Christmas and then going out shopping for it with my mom. If it was too expensive I’d have to pick out something else. I’d then come home and put it under the tree. My parents did not need to find the time between working their double shifts to run around shop for toys and then hide them around the house. I also have memories of my dad coming home from work handing me a toy in a brown paper bag and declaring that this was my Christmas present. He did this typically a week or so before Christmas. See? Practical.

As I got older I did start to have an inkling that things were done differently in other households. Santa gave you more than one toy? You don’t go shopping for your own gifts? Your dad didn’t decorate the tree to look like the American flag?

I bet now you’re thinking; when she was old enough to know about all the “Christmas Magic” she missed out on she must have let them have it. Maybe even how now that I have children of my own I have turned into some crazed Martha Stewart type and have the house decorated the day after Thanksgiving with all the gifts purchased and wrapped. But none of that happened.

Do I “do” Christmas differently in my house? You know I do. But it doesn’t come naturally to me. I really have to think about it. For instance I still haven’t taken our family Christmas card picture. In fact it will most likely turn into a Happy New Year card, once again. LOL!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

It's just a flesh wound

I'm not feeling well. No, let me amend that. I am sick. There I said it. Admitting sickness is not easy when you're a mom. The main reason being, there is just no point. Really there’s not.
After all, the things that need getting done still need getting done. The packing of lunches, making of appointments, sewing patches on karate uniforms, whatever. This list is endless and yours alone.

Although hearing some kind words of concern is always nice. I’m sure we all hear something similar.

Oh, sorry you’re not feeling well. Would you mind putting the coffee on?

You were up all night? That really sinks. Remember I'm working late than going out for drinks tonight.

You really should take it easy today. I'm late for the train. Would you drag the trash out front?

Feel free to add your own. I need to go puke.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Paperwork, my nemesis

I watch the mail carrier as he brings an entire armload of junk mail up my walkway. I know I should sort it all the minute it arrives. Of course that’s what I should do. That's what you do, right? But I don’t. In fact I have been known to walk right past our overflowing mailbox, several times in the same day. I just can't bring myself to carry it in. 

Why, you may ask?

Paperwork. There are few things I hate more than paperwork. I have tried many different methods to deal with it. Nothing works.

My current system is baskets. Granted they are lovely baskets. They are baskets that I have driven all the way out to the Container store to purchase. They are baskets that where not cheap to buy. They are baskets that I had to make room for in my house.

I now have lovely large expensive baskets, which are full of big ugly piles of paperwork.
*big sigh* Sadly they are not magic baskets.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Thanksgiving control freak

For the first time ever our family had thanksgiving out. I had mixed emotions about it. The primary concern of course being how would I survive without some of my thanksgiving favorites. Like my amazing chestnut stuffing and corn pudding. For the past few years I've been a bit of thanksgiving control freak. Preferring to host just to make sure all things are as I want them to be. Potatoes, mashed with tons of butter and cream, no pepper. Stuffing with vegetables cut into chunks and tons of chestnuts. Tons. You get the point.
By eating dinner out I would give up all control. But I would need to do NOTHING. And that my friend is very tempting. So out we did go. 

The one thing I hadn’t taken into consideration was all the interpersonal stuff would still be there. It’s just happening in a giant dining hall with ice sculptures dripping in the corner. And it’s not just happening at our table, it’s going on at every table. Somehow I feel as if we are all feeding off each other’s craziness, magnifying it by all being together. As I look around the dining room every table seems to have at a few staple characters. We had at least three. I'll leave to you to guess which ones.

-Kid who will not eat anything
-Elderly relative who can’t hear anything and keeps yelling out, ‘what”?
-Mom who rolls her eyes every time inappropriately dresses daughter stands up
-Drunken uncle laughing loudly at joke only he appreciates
-Teenage boy dressed in football jersey
-Little girl using the hem of her dress as a napkin
-Dad unbuttoning of pants
-Granddad to waitress “what do you mean alcoholic drinks are not included”!?
-Small children being dragged out from under tables, repeatedly
-College girlfriend looking like deer in headlights
-Wives yelling at husbands about table manners
-A woman in her 40’s yelling “who finished the wine”?
-Aunt whose blouse really needs one more button to be buttoned

The evening left me feeling as if I was not only experiencing my family’s Thanksgiving craziness but every ones. Which in my opinion is far more exhausting then cooking for 26.

Monday, November 21, 2011

My first post. Yipee!

I thought I’d try something new. You know with all the free time I have. Can’t really say I had a choice. Living in the burbs is sucking my brain right out of head. Wish me luck.